


marchin on.

by Labyrinthinee



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, POV Multiple, post 2x16, there's a new grounder tribe, they are pretty nice, this is very Clarke centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3949639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Labyrinthinee/pseuds/Labyrinthinee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy turned back as soon as he had reached the gate. Clarke was still visible in front of the tree line. He prayed for her to turn around, too, to look back and maybe change her mind.</p><p>She didn’t and Bellamy watched her disappear between the trees until even her golden hair was invisible.</p><p>Only then did he turn around. Kane clapped his shoulder and Octavia hugged him and Bellamy started to wait for her to come back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. where will I go, who will I be?

**Author's Note:**

> sooo this is my very first multi-chaptered fic I've uploaded on here.  
> I will try to update it once a week :)
> 
> this all takes place right after the finale of S2
> 
> the title of the story is from OneRepublic and the title of the 1st chapter from "Back To You" by Mighty Oaks.
> 
> this hasn't been beta read so please feel free to point out any mistakes you find and of course  
> comments and constructive criticism would be very lovely ;)  
> especially because I've used a little bit of Trigedasleng in this story and I am not sure if I have  
> used it correctly... most of the words are self explanatory or are often used in the show itself :)
> 
> I'm also going to add tags and characters as the story moves along but those are the ones who will certainly make an appearance.
> 
> as always, you can find me on tumblr as well :) right here [x](http://xyetunwritten.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> Have fun reading!  
> Bea.

 

Bellamy turned back as soon as he had reached the gate. Clarke was still visible in front of the tree line. He prayed for her to turn around, too, to look back and maybe change her mind.

 

She didn’t and Bellamy watched her disappear between the trees until even her golden hair was invisible.

 

Only then did he turn around. Kane clapped his shoulder and Octavia hugged him and Bellamy started to wait for her to come back.

 

 

_five years later_

 

 

“… and that’s how the curse of the Mountain Men ended once and for all.” Nyko told the gathered children in front of him.

 

“Because of the blonde princess!” A girl with two braids repeated with a quiet voice.

 

“And her prince!” A boy with a round face and big eyes added.

 

Nyko nodded slowly. “Exactly and now, I believe, it’s time for bed!” He shooed them away from his cabin.

 

With loud cries they ran towards their parents huts, leaving their storyteller alone.

 

Shanna, the girl with the two braids reached the cabin shortly before her older brother Sanson. “Nomon!” Shanna called out excitedly. “Nyko has told us the legend again!”

 

Her mother looked up from the jacket she was working on. “Which legend?”

 

Sanson huffed and sat down next to her, playing with his knife. “The one about the blonde princess.” He rolled his eyes.

 

“And her prince!” Shanna clapped her hands together.

 

“Ah…” Her mother hummed and Shanna sat down, too. She was closer to her mother, taking the tread between her fingers and twirling it around one.

 

“It’s not true, is it?” Sanson prompted and their mother shrugged.

 

“I don’t know.” She answered, concentrating on the stitches. “Nyko has travelled a great way from the trees.” She looked between their children. “I have never seen her. Nobody has seen her for many winters, I believe.”

 

“Ha!” Sanson made and grinned at his sister.

 

“But… she saved us.” Shanna stated and her mother smiled kindly.

 

“If she really did, then why is she hiding now, huh?” Sanson threw in and Shanna crossed her arms in front of her chest.

 

“She isn’t hiding!” She protested and Sanson just laughed.

 

“You just keep telling yourself that!” He teased and jumped up when the flap of their hut is being moved. “Nomtu!” He greeted his father.

 

“She’s alive.” Shanna repeated and her mother patted her head consolingly.

 

*** 

 

“This is mine!” Shanna yelled, running after her brother.

 

“Come and get it, then!” He laughed, jumping over a log in front of him.

 

“Sanson! Stop!” She tried to follow but he was too fast. “Sanson! I’m going to tell Nomon!”

 

She only heard Sanson’s laughter coming from somewhere in front of her. Shanna ran as fast as her short legs would carry her, hurrying through the forest. The sun was already beginning to set and the shadows of the trees around her grew longer by the minute.

 

“Sanson! Where are you?” She stopped to catch her breath, repeating her question but no answer came back. “Sanson!” Slowly panic started to build inside of her tiny body.

 

She was only nine years old. The trees around her seemed like giants, that her nomon had told her stories about and she felt like a dwarf next to them.

 

“Sanson!” Shanna turned around. She tried to find her way back to their village, by following the path she came from but the sun was setting quicker now and soon, the forest was too dark to find her footsteps. But Shanna didn’t stop walking. She knew that as soon as she did, she’d be easy prey for the animals. Instead she grabbed the small knife her nomtu had given her. She pulled it out of the leather belt around her waist and set her face into a fierce grimace, like she’d seen the hunters do. She was not afraid. She was one of the Wadakru.

 

She continued walking and when she saw a small light in the distance, she let out a low cheer, before quickening her steps. She was practically running then, her two braids bumping against her back and her legs moving as fast as they could.

 

The light grew bigger in the distance and came closer quickly, making her feel safer already.

 

Maybe that was why she hadn’t heard the panther approach.

 

Suddenly something was ramming into her right side, making her fly a good distance before she landed on the ground again with a thud.

 

Immediately Shanna got up onto her knees. She was a fighter. She wanted to be like the Commander, who she’d heard so many stories about. Like her father had taught her, she pushed herself against a tree, making defense easier and waited, this time on high alert.

 

The light that had guided her was to her right and it seemed so close, yet, right now, so far away.

 

She heard a twig snap to her left, quickly turning her head. The shadows moved and Shanna started shivering. She didn’t want to die. Once more she looked back at the light and then back to the moving shadow.

 

She could see its teeth now, glistening in the moonlight and that was too much. Shanna screamed as loud and high pitched as she could. The animal growled in response, coming closer and quickly Shanna’s screams turned into sobs.

 

“Beja, no, beja…” She started begging.

 

The animal seemed to have enough then, it prepared to jump and Shanna prepared to die.

 

“Mai gonplei ste odon.” Shanna whispered like her nomtu had told her, leaning her head against the tree.

 

The animal jumped onto Shanna, going for her throat. She plunged her knife into its side and raised her arm. She wasn’t going out without a fight. That’d be a dishonor.

 

Her cry filled the woods when the animal’s teeth sank into her arm and then her side.

 

Suddenly a loud bang echoed through the trees surrounding her final battle and Shanna looked up, surprised, when the animal lifelessly sacked against her.

 

She imagined a golden streak of lighting coming for her, when her eyes dropped closed.

 

Shanna dreamt of being lifted from the ground. A voice whispering, begging for her to stay alive. She dreamt of a blonde angel saving her life and then she dreamt of nothing but darkness.

 

*** 

 

When she woke up, she panicked immediately. Her entire body hurt and the ceiling wasn’t familiar. It looked rocky and cold and nothing like her hut in the village. Shanna’s breath started to quicken and she wanted to pull herself up, but immediately a hand stopped her.

 

“Yu ste klir.” A voice whispered and Shanna remembered hearing it in her dream. “Sh, ai na fis yu op.”

 

Shanna shook her head, tears threatening to spill over. She just wanted to get home to her parents. With fear in her eyes she turned her head to look at the person talking to her. That’s when her mouth fell open.

 

Because next to her sat a woman with golden hair. She was beautiful and in a white shirt and dark trousers, that were ripped on her knees. Her hair fell in soft waves and the first thought that shot through Shanna’s head was, _that’s her_.

 

“You’re her!” She breathed out without thinking and the blonde frowned.

 

“You’re the blonde princess! You saved us from the Mountain Men and…” Shanna trailed off when the blonde turned her head away. A sad expression had exchanged the friendly one she had worn before.

 

“You should rest.” The blonde told her. “And stay in bed or you’ll pull your stitches out.”

 

“Stitches?” Shanna asked, unfamiliar with the word.

 

A small smile tugged at the blonde’s lips again and Shanna was happy to see it. “The panther tore your side. I pulled it back together.”

 

“Mochof.” Shanna whispered, terrified at the picture that appeared in her mind. “Is it dead?”

 

The blonde nodded in response and Shanna relaxed a little bit again. “Choj op.” She gave Shanna a small bowl with warm water in it. A few leaves swam in there, mixed with meat. Shanna suspected it came from the panther.

 

Only when the smell of the food reached her nose, did she realize how hungry she was. With the blonde’s help, she got into a sitting position, feeling the pain in her side grow sharper with every movement.

 

They ate in silence. Shanna let her gaze wander through the small cave-like thing they were in. There was a solid door at one side. Next to it was a window through which the light must’ve fallen, that she had followed. There was another bed opposite of her. A thing that produced light hang above them and if Shanna looked at it too long, she saw spots dance in her vision.

 

There were also drawings. Lots of drawings. She looked at each of them. Most were of faces. Girls and boys and men and women. Some looked happy, some sad. Some seemed evil and others were painted with such care, that love practically sprang from them. There were also flowers, drawn in careful detail and herbs which Shanna recognized from their garden at the village. Every inch of the wall that wasn’t filled with anything else was filled with drawings. Shanna had never seen such beautiful ones.

 

One side was also filled with wooden planks which were attached to the wall. On them stood little pots and glasses, as well as books. The only books Shanna had seen until then were the ones Bria had used to teach them. But there were so many.

 

Shanna was in awe of the small room and she didn’t realize that the blonde was watching her carefully. When she was finished, Shanna gave back the bowl and carefully lay down again. Everything hurt once more and the blonde must’ve realized it, because she handed her some leaves.

 

“Chew them.” She told Shanna and Shanna complied. While she was chewing, the blonde cleaned their bowls.

 

“I’m Shanna.” She said then, when the blonde was finished and it was silent once again.

 

“Clarke.” The blonde told her and then stepped onto the other bed. “Go to bed now.” She did something, so the light went out and the room went dark.

 

Shanna wasn’t able to sleep though. Was she really in the same room with the girl who had legends told about her? Had the princess really saved her? She couldn’t fully believe it.

 

“Clarke?” She whispered then, because she would never be able to sleep, if she didn’t know.

 

A hum came from the other side.

 

“Are you really the one who defeated the Mountain Men?”

 

There was a long silence.

 

“I killed them, yes.” Clarke’s voice sounded darker now and a shiver ran down Shanna’s body. “And now, sleep.”

 

And Shanna did.

 

*** 

 

Clarke woke up when it was still dark outside. Which was nothing new. She had had problems sleeping for years now. She barely had had any sleep in the beginning with the nightmares keeping her awake. After she had left everything behind, she went back to the Mountain and spent a few days there, looking at what she had done, trying to get a grasp at her feelings.

 

It hadn’t been easy. It still wasn’t. She had cried for days, and then had started burying them just outside the mountain. Afterwards she had drawn them all onto the empty walls inside the cage that had taken so many lives. Every face she killed, every face she lost. Her dad, Wells, Finn, Fox, Maya and all the others.

 

Sometimes she had played with the idea of going back but then she remembered Jasper’s face when he had been holding Maya. She remembered Octavia, telling her that it wasn’t enough and Clarke knew that she wasn’t ready. Maybe she’d never be.

 

Instead she started walking north, away from the sun, away from TonDC and Camp Jaha. She slept in trees and stayed in the shadows during the day. Until she found the small bunker she was now living in.

 

She had practically stumbled upon it, exhausted and with a bleeding head wound because some animal had attacked her the previous night.

 

It had been empty apart from the table, the chairs, a small oven, two beds and the cupboard with books. She had cleansed her wound in the small basin before letting herself rest. Back then she hadn’t really cared if she never woke up afterwards.

 

She had though, with a headache and a dull ache in her muscles. She had walked for twelve days and she had been tired of it which had been the main reason for her staying.

 

She hadn’t stepped a foot outside for the first week. Instead she had started reading the books, one after the other. They weren’t about one specific subject. There was one about herbs and flowers. Another about Greek tragedies. One was a love story so cheesy, that almost a laugh had escaped Clarke’s lips because it sounded too ridiculous. There was one about a war, just as terrible as theirs.

 

After Clarke had read through all the books, she had started scouting the area. She had found a big village laying in between four huge lakes. She had hid in the trees and had watched them for weeks.

 

They were fishermen, barely hunting in the woods. There was a garden on their east wall. Children were running around screaming and Clarke had wondered if Camp Jaha looked like this now. She wondered if TonDC had a similar structure to it. If the village Finn had massacred for her had been anything like it.

 

She had almost fallen out of her tree when a familiar figure had entered the village a few weeks after Clarke had found it. She watched as Nyko had visited again and again, riding in on a horse and giving them medicine that obviously came from her people.

 

Clarke had started collecting herbs, making potions and ointments of them. She traded with the leader of the village, which was the main village of the Wadakru for papers and coals and secrecy. They’d kept her secret and she had stayed hidden, providing them with help whenever needed. It was a fair trade and Clarke knew that she had to inform their leader as soon as possible that she had found Shanna.

 

She got out of bed quickly, changing into her gear and putting a few glasses with basic ointments into her bag. With a last look at Shanna, who still rested peacefully, she sneaked out of the bunker and off to the village.

 

It was about an hour away. Clarke had counted the steps it took her to get there once.

 

When she reached the wall surrounding it, she followed it up to the little hole that marked the leader’s hut. She pushed away the piece of wood which served as a door and crawled in.

 

Inside she stood tall immediately, looking around. The hut was empty and Clarke sighed. She hated waiting because it increased the risk of her being caught. Restlessly she sat down on the floor Indian style. Her fingers drummed against the earth until finally the flap moved.

 

Cad, their leader walked in with her mouth set into a firm line which didn’t waver when she spotted Clarke.

 

“I have her.” Clarke immediately said and stood up.

 

Cad looked at her for a long time before finally a smile appeared.

 

“She was attacked by a panther. She fought. Bravely”, Clarke added and Cad’s smile grew wider. “She’s injured, though and needs rest. I suspect her to be up in a week’s time.”

 

“Good.” Cad said then, walking over to the table and pouring a glass for herself and Clarke. She offered the glass to the blonde and Clarke took it gratefully. “Has she figured it out?”

 

“Yes,” Clarke answered without having to ask what Cad was talking about.

 

Cad sighed. “She was so intrigued with Nyko’s story.”

 

Clarke smiles sadly. “Her side is injured. So is her arm.” She changed the subject and Cad raised her eyebrows, knowing exactly what Clarke was doing.

 

“She’ll have scars to prove her bravery.”

 

Clarke nodded and a proud gleam appeared in Cad’s face.

 

“We’ll have company in two mornings.” Cad said then without looking at Clarke.

 

The blonde immediately stiffened. Cad had never told her anything about business of the Wadakru before. She had asked about the Commander a few times at the beginning but after she had realized that Clarke didn’t like to talk about it, she had stopped. Their meetings were strictly business, so Clarke knew something was off.

 

“Skaikru is coming.” Cad continued. “They seek peace and want to expand our trade.”

 

Clarke nodded absently, her thoughts racing already. “I’ll stay out of the way.”

 

Cad frowned then if only slightly and Clarke knew that she thought of her as a coward sometimes. Cad had never understood why Clarke, who was a heroine in her eyes, hid in a bunker. Why she kept to herself and never accepted any of the praise she got. Cad herself had lost people in TonDC. She had lost her brother and fifty of her best warriors. She had never blamed the Commander. She had never blamed the woman standing in front of her. Cad had tried telling Clarke once, that the fight was over, that she could rest now, but Clarke had only looked at her and Cad had seen that she was fighting a war with herself.

 

“I want information about my daughter daily.” Cad said then in a firm voice that didn’t leave room for disobedience.

 

Clarke grimaced, knowing exactly what Cad was up to. “Fine,” she grumbled though. She deposited the contents of her bag on the table and disappeared through the small hole without another word.

 

*** 

 

“Bellamy?”

 

He looked up from the paper in front of him when somebody called his name. “Mel,” he smiled, waving her into the cabin. “What’s up?”

 

She sighed. “Abby sent me.” The girl handed him a sheet, her hand shaking nervously.

 

“Hey,” He took the sheet without sparing it a glance and instead took Mel’s hand into his. “Relax, okay? Octavia will be back in two weeks. Abby won’t have your head.”

 

Mel grimaced. “But she’s always saying things that make me think I’m not good enough.”

 

“Octavia said the same when she first started.” Bellamy let go of her hand. “Ignore it and do your work. There’s no one better at your job than you. You just have to believe it yourself.”

 

A small smile appeared on Mel’s lips and Bellamy let out a relieved breath.

 

“There you go. Tell Abby, I approve of whatever it is.”

 

Mel nodded and hurried out of the cabin. Tired Bellamy ran a hand over his face. Ever since Octavia had left on the trip with Miller and Jasper, he hadn’t slept properly. He needed her to be home as soon as possible.

 

They had left almost five days ago to visit Wadakru up North. The two groups had had a steady trade for almost four years now. Nyko delivered medicine for peace. It was easy but sharing the deer in the forest with the Trigedakru was getting harder with their growing group of people at Camp Jaha and just two weeks ago Indra had stomped into camp, exclaiming that her people were starving because the Skaikru kept hunting too much. Lincoln and Octavia had managed to calm her down and they had sat in Bellamy’s cabin together with Kane and Abby to discuss a new treaty.

 

Indra had then mentioned a village up North which solemnly lived on fish. With the lake nearer to Camp Jaha than any village of the Trigedakru Indra had demanded they’d finally use it. The only problem was that they had tried. But apart from a few fish here and there they had never been successful.

 

It had been Octavia who had suggested, that they went north to ask the Wadakru for help. Maybe they would even teach them.

 

Indra had looked at the young woman with that little spark of pride in her eyes that she always got whenever Octavia did something good. Bellamy had once caught them training in the forest two years after everything at Mt Weather.

 

Bellamy had agreed, as had Kane and they had sent Octavia, Miller and Jasper on the mission a week later.

 

They should reach the village within the next two days according to Nyko and Bellamy expected them back in maybe another ten days. Until then Indra allowed them to keep hunting as much as they needed but after her ultimatum of two weeks, Bellamy knew she’d take action.

 

He sighed staring at the copy of the treaty he had given Octavia and the others. It was signed under his name and for the mission he had named Octavia his second.

 

Three months after Mt Weather there had been the first election and almost everybody had elected him to represent them. Kane was his official second and Abby was another party in a newly elected council. Raven, Lincoln and Monty completed it.

 

They had built up a new structure for their camp. Everyone on the council was responsible for one part of camp life. Kane trained and managed the guard and obviously Abby was taking care of the med bay, taking on Octavia, Monroe and Mel as her assistants. Raven had an eye on the engineers and mechanics, fixing everything that was broken and inventing and building new things like working showers which were a blessing to everybody. Lincoln taught them grounder traditions and Trigedasleng and the more people were suspicious of him and grounders at the beginning the more they loved him now. Monty never went near another computer and instead oversaw the building of their gardens.

 

Bellamy himself tried to keep an eye on everything, listening to everybody’s complains and their wishes.

 

Sometimes he felt like he was crumbling underneath the weight on his shoulder. It was then that he looked to his left. To were Clarke used to stand. It always took him a moment to realize that she wasn’t there anymore and it took him another to remember what she asked of him. He straightened his shoulders then and continued with his work, every day until her return.


	2. and you could never understand the demons that I face

Shanna was still sleeping when Clarke got back to the bunker which she was thankful for. She brewed some tea from the same leaves Shanna had chewed on last night and prepared breakfast for herself.

 

When Shanna stirred, Clarke helped her sit up again, handing her the tea and a few berries.

 

“Thank you,” Shanna said. Clarke didn’t answer just nod and Shanna frowned a little bit. “My parents are surely worried.” She told Clarke then and Clarke just shrugged. She didn’t want Shanna to know about the trades. She didn’t want to get even more praise from the little girl. It was enough that she had apparently recognized her from Nyko’s stories. Clarke didn’t need her to return to the village just to tell everybody she’d been saved by the princess who had saved them from the Mountain Men. “They are great warriors, you know?” Shanna continued and then told Clarke everything she already knew about Cad and her partner Firo. The girl exaggerated every once in a while and winced whenever she made a movement that hurt her side or her arm.

 

Clarke started changing the bandages when Shanna began of stories of her and her brother Sanson. She applied new ointment onto the wounds, carefully inspecting the stitches. They didn’t look infected and Clarke enjoyed having to work with her hands because it stilled her thoughts.

 

Shanna told her about all the times Sanson treated her badly or picked on her. Clarke remembered a stick thin, brown haired boy with the same eyes as Shanna. She had treated a high fever of his a few weeks ago.

 

While Clarke started working on her ointments, Shanna continued talking until she grew tired and her eyes fell close once again. Clarke enjoyed the following silence. Her ears weren’t used to that much chatter anymore and somehow the little girl reminded her of herself when she was that age. Innocent and full of life and stories about herself and Wells.

 

She had started sketching to keep her hands busy and her thoughts at bay when the murmuring began. It was quiet at first and rare, a random mumbling but the longer it continued, the clearer Shanna’s words became.

 

She spoke of a prince and a princess, a mountain full of evil people and a victory. Clarke didn’t even realize she was crying until the first drops hit the paper underneath her fingers. She looked at Shanna with a blurred vision. At a girl the same age as some of the children she had killed at Mount Weather. The same age as some of the kids that had died in TonDC.

 

She had killed so many. She had slaughtered them. And yet this little girl saw some good in her. Cad did, too. But Clarke didn’t.

 

She had replayed her actions so often, had tried to come up with another solution that would have saved everyone but it never worked and everybody always died.

 

“Clarke?” Shanna’s whisper interrupted her thoughts and Clarke swallowed a sob. “Why’re you crying?”

 

Hastily Clarke wiped away the tears, forcing a smile on her face. “It’s nothing,” she lied but Shanna didn’t seem to believe her.

 

“Can I have some more of those leaves?” She asked though, ignoring Clarke’s obvious lie.

 

Clarke nodded quickly, reaching for the leaves and crossing the room to sit down next to Shanna.

 

“I miss my nomon.” Shanna said out of the blue while chewing. “Do you miss yours?”

 

Clarke swallowed and looked into Shanna’s big brown eyes.

 

She remembered her mum telling her that ‘ _maybe there are no good guys_ ’. Clarke had checked on her a few times on their way back to Camp Jaha and every time her mum had taken her hand into hers, basically grabbing it and she kept on apologizing. For her father, for sending her to the ground so unprepared, for yelling at her in TonDC. Clarke had only nodded, her decision to leave long made up and she hadn’t said goodbye to Abby when she had left.

 

She sometimes wondered if Abby thought of her. If she had cried when she had found out Clarke left. If she had tried to sanction a mission to find her. Those were all questions that urged her to go back. To hug her mum and cry in her arms and tell her she loved her. It was strange thinking that now after such a long time of hating her. But now Clarke hated herself more than she ever could hate her mother and she understood now why Abby had sold her own husband out to Jaha. It wasn’t so different from Clarke killing all those people. Abby had tried to protect everyone on the Ark. Clarke had tried to protect her friends.

 

She must’ve been staring because Shanna tilted her head curiously, repeating her question.

 

Clarke stared into her eyes for a moment longer. They were reminding her of someone’s, but she wasn’t ready to admit it, yet. “Yes,” she answered then and Shanna smiled.

 

“Can you tell me a story?” The girl asked, settling back into a sleeping position that was comfortable for her.

 

Clarke was surprised for a minute but then leaned her head against the wall. Telling a story would keep her from thinking more about Shanna’s question. The grounder girl was watching her intently and Clarke searched her mind for a fitting story.

 

“Once upon a time,” she started and Shanna’s eyes shined with excitement. “there was a girl. She had the most wonderful family. She had a lovely mother and a brave father. But then one day the mother died, leaving the father and the little girl alone. Soon after the father remarried and with the new wife came two girls. Cinderella, that was the name of the girl our story is about, didn’t like any of them…”

 

Clarke told the entire fairytale. She watched Shanna’s eyelids drop slowly and when the girl was fast asleep and the story was over, she pushed herself up again.

 

Clarke went outside, needing the fresh air. She sat on a stone not too far away and stared into the distance of the lake that lay in the valley, the Wadakru called their own. She felt safe here, surrounded by the darkness and the noises of the forest.

 

Staring up at the stars above her, she thought off the story Nyko told the kids. The legend about the princess and the prince that fell from the sky. Clarke hated it. She hated that they romanticized something so horrible. That she had seen the kids in the village act out scenes from it. She sighed, closing her eyes.

 

 

 

Shanna woke up Clarke the next morning.

 

Clarke was startled that the sun was already up. She hadn’t slept that long in months. Sleep wouldn’t come easily and often Clarke had to run for miles or work into early morning for her body to be worn out enough to crash.

 

Luckily Shanna was demanding her attention with a pained face and Clarke set to change her bandages without thinking too much about her dreamless night.

 

After she was finished with inspecting Shanna’s injuries, she prepared breakfast for the two of them. They ate in silence again and Shanna stayed quiet until Clarke started fixing up her hunting gear.

 

“Where are you going?” Shanna asked, a worried tone in her voice.

 

“Hunting and collecting a few berries. I’m almost out.” Clarke told her while putting the knife into the small shackle at her belt.

 

“Oh…” Shanna hummed, sounding disappointed. “When will you be back?”

 

Clarke shrugged. “I don’t know. Depends on what I find.” She pulled on her leather jacket. It was ripped at one shoulder and it was well worn-out but Clarke never had the courage to throw it away.

 

Shanna pushed herself up then, before Clarke could protest and looked at her with a sad look in her eyes.

 

Clarke felt bad for leaving her alone immediately and quickly skimmed through the books on her shelf. She pulled out a worn out book which told the story of a small witch. “Can you read?” She asked the little girl and Shanna nodded quickly. Clarke gave her the book with a warning to be careful. Shanna beamed at her, while stroking the spine of the book gently.

 

“Thank you,” she breathed out and Clarke smiled before turning around and leaving the little girl alone.

 

She stayed away from the village for the day. She didn’t want to risk running into anybody and when visitors arrived, the village often got hectic with their last preparations.

 

Clarke hunted down a rabbit and at her usual spot she found raspberries. She ate one or two (maybe ten) before collecting the rest. The sun was high up the sky when she returned to her bunker.

 

She skinned the rabbit outside, wrapping it into big leaves before putting it into a small cave next to the bunker which she used as a storage room. She had found a big enough wooden board to use as a door against any animals soon after she had moved into the bunker.

 

Clarke took the raspberries inside with her. Shanna was still reading but greeted Clarke with a big smile as soon as she had entered.

 

“Here.” Clarke outstretched her hand with the berries and Shanna took them eagerly. She quickly ate them and then let her head fall back onto the pillow with a sigh.

 

Clarke watched her for a moment.

 

“Clarke?” Shanna asked when the moment stretched out.

 

“Hm?” Clarke gave back.

 

“Nyko said that you saved us all.” Shanna began then and Clarke stiffened. “He said that without you we’d still be trapped under the curse of the Mountain Men.”

 

Clarke didn’t answer. For the first time in years her mind felt completely blank.

 

Shanna sat up then. “You killed them, didn’t you?” Shanna’s voice was calm, as if she was talking to a wild animal.

 

“I did.” Clarke raised her chin defiantly but Shanna didn’t shiver or blink. She just stared back at the blonde.

 

“Nyko also said that you didn’t do it alone. That there was a prince.” Shanna continued and Clarke winced at the mention of Bellamy.

 

She let out a breathless laugh.

 

“Is it true, was there someone else?” Shanna asked, now getting excited.

 

“Yes,” Clarke confirmed and Shanna positively beamed.

 

“You know, Sanson never believed me that you actually exist! I can’t wait to see his face when I come back home and tell him I met you!” Shanna clapped her hands giddily.

 

A forced smile appeared on Clarke’s lips. “There’s nothing great about me. I just killed them, that’s all.” She told the little girl harshly.

 

Shanna frowned then. “But you made friends with the Commander, didn’t you?” Clarke just laughed without real laughter. “And you killed the man with the gun who shot at our people. You lead an army and…”

 

“And then I failed.” Clarke interrupted her coldly. She didn’t want to hear any of this. “I need air.”

 

Without another word she excited the bunker, leaving a perplex Shanna behind.

 

 

 

She walked along one of the lakes. It was cold, winter was nearing and Clarke shivered. She should’ve taken her jacket with her. Taking a stone from the ground, she threw it in the quiet lake and watched as the waves circled it before the lake stilled again.

 

She took another stone, repeating the process.

 

Over the years she had contemplated going back often enough. But seeing the children act it out, hearing the stories about herself showed her that wherever she’d go people would recognize her, would worship her like Shanna did and she didn’t want that. She enjoyed the life she led now. Away from everybody, helping whenever needed. It was quiet, peaceful and nothing like her old life.

 

And she found that she enjoyed it. Immensely, so. She knew that when she would come back people would continue to follow her. They’d put her onto a pedestal and that scared her.

 

Yet, knowing how close her people were, whoever they were made her more curious. It was tempting to show herself at the village tomorrow. To ask questions and figure out if they had lived well the last years.

 

When she came back, Shanna was asleep with the book resting on her stomach. Clarke marked the page with a dried flower and put the book on the floor before she got to bed.

 

 

 

Octavia rode into the village on her horse, closely followed by Miller and Jasper. They had had a short breakfast a little west from the village and Octavia had been amazed at all the water they passed on their final ride.

 

The Wadakru greeted them with a foreign excitement. Octavia smiled back at them but she sensed Miller growing uncomfortable next to her. He had been assigned to the team as a guard and large groups made him wary.

 

As soon as they got off their horses, he was at Octavia’s side, a hand on his gun and carefully checking their surroundings. She rested a hand on his shoulder to calm him down before turning towards a tall woman.

 

Like Lincoln had told them she wore a necklace decorated with male duck feathers marking her as the leader.

 

Her face was round, not as sharp as those of the Trigedakru and she gave off a warmth that Octavia hadn’t first associated with the grounders. She knew now that they could show love and friendship but at first contact they still often seemed cold and distant. This woman was a stark contrast.

 

She bowed her head when Octavia approached her and Octavia did the same, signaling Jasper and Miller to follow her lead. The two men stayed a foot behind her while she greeted the other leader.

 

“Ai laik Okteivia kom Skaikru,” she spoke the words Lincoln had taught her all those years ago.

 

A small, approving smile appeared on the woman’s face. “Welcome Octavia, I am Cad. This is my partner Firo.” She moved her hand to the man standing behind her. It’s an honor to meet you.”

 

Octavia smiled. “The honor is ours,” she assured Cad.

 

“Come.” Cad took Octavia’s elbow and led her towards her hut in the middle of the village. Firo followed behind them together with Jasper and Miller.

 

When they arrived inside the hut, Cad closed the door behind them and motioned them to sit down.

 

Octavia was staring at a shelf on the far side of the room. Small glasses and pots were aligned there. They seemed to contain leaves and salves and her fingers itched to step closer and examine them. The little glasses looked self-made and nobody had told her but if the Wadakru had managed to actually built glass, then they would have to overthink their treaty.

 

Jasper nudged her in the side, interrupting her amazement and when Octavia looked up she found Cad and Firo staring at her.

 

“I’m sorry. Those glasses are amazing. Did you make them yourself?” Octavia pointed at the glass and a proud smile bloomed on Cad’s face.

 

“Yes, there’s a faction of my village which is able to produce them,” she explained.

 

“They’re beautiful,” Octavia stated and Cad laughed quietly.

 

“You can take a closer look if you want.”

 

Octavia nodded eagerly, partly because of the glasses and partly because of what they contained. She took them into her hand, weighing them gently, inspecting them carefully.

 

She could hear Jasper and Miller describing their journey here to Firo and Cad but was too involved with the glasses to complete their tale. When she had finally finished her examination, Octavia turned back around to the group. They had all been watching her and she suddenly felt the need to explain their appearance.

 

“We’re here to ask for your help, Cad,” she started, pulling the treaty from her pocket. “The land between the Skaikru and Trigedakru is growing smaller every year. There’s a lake nearby which we could use but unfortunately none of us know how to fish.”

 

Cad laughed then and Firo smirked. “I understand.”

 

Octavia joined their laughter. “We’ve been sent here by our leader to ask for some of your people to accompany us on our ride back. They could teach our people and, of course, we’d guide them back once they’re finished.”

 

“In return, we’d send up our healer to teach your healer,” Miller threw in and Octavia nodded along.

 

Cad’s smile turned mysterious. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” she told the foreigners.

 

Dumbfounded, Octavia sat back down. The same stricken expression showed up at Jasper’s and Miller’s faces before they fell altogether.

 

“Oh,” Octavia breathed out, raising her head. “I’m sure, there’s something we can agree on.”

 

Cad only continued to smile. “Your leader saved us from the Mountain Men. The least we can do is sending someone to teach you how to fish.”

 

“We believe, that is only fair,” Firo agreed and Jasper’s mouth fell open. Miller had to nudge him with his foot.

 

“That is… more than generous of you!” Octavia beamed. “I don’t think we can accept this.”

 

“I would be insulted if you didn’t,” Cad let them know.

 

“Well, then,” Octavia brushed her hands on her trousers before extending one to Cad and standing up. “We can leave in two days’ time?”

 

“I think that’ll be manageable.” Cad took Octavia’s hand and then guided them back out of the hut. “If you excuse me now, I need to tend to the gardens. My people will love to help you with any questions.” Before anybody could protest she had turned around.

 

“Weird,” Jasper remarked and Miller grunted in agreement. “She was like… nice.”

 

“Jasper!” Octavia hit him on the shoulder but he didn’t even flinch, just smirked at her.

 

Together they walked towards the lake closest to the village where around a dozen boats were floating. Their fishermen stood on one side of the boat, so that the other one was off the water almost completely. In addition to that they balanced their entire weight on one foot while using the other to commandeer the rudder. It was amazing to watch them and the three friends sat down.

 

They spent the afternoon talking about their warm welcome, their friends at home and tried to come up with something else to offer Cad because it didn’t sit right with Octavia.

 

When evening came they were invited to sit with the others around a huge fire. Fish was served on sticks. Jasper stared at it for a long time until he saw someone else holding it in the fire and turning it around slowly.

 

Miller was just coughing up a fishbone under the laughter of Octavia when a small girl sat down in front of him, eyeing him curiously.

 

He raised his eyebrows at the little girl. She was dark haired with a braided bun on the back of her head. She tilted her head to one side then to the other. Finally she asked, “Are you the prince?”

 

Octavia next to him snorted and Miller blushed lightly, looking at the girl questioningly.

 

“From Nyko’s story!” She told him as if it was obvious.

 

“Nyko, huh?” Octavia threw in. “He’s telling a lot of stories.”

 

“But it’s the story of how they defeat the mountain!” Another kid came over to them. He already had a swagger in his step even though he was stick thin with brown hair.

 

“Yes!” The girl exclaimed. “The princess and her prince save their people and us all from the Mountain Men.”

 

The three friends stared at each other for a long moment before they all started laughing at once. The children looked at them confused and it took them a minute to calm back down again.

 

“Oh…,” Octavia sighed. “Tell me the story.” The children squealed and sat down around her quickly before they started acting out what happened.

 

Miller, Jasper and Octavia watched with big eyes as they heard the story that had caused them so much pain, through the eyes of young children.

 

It was very different from how it really happened but Octavia decided that she liked this version more. She’ll tell it like this to her children once. The story ended when the prince pecked the princess on the cheek and they lived happily ever after. It took Octavia a second to understand that Clarke was the princess and Bellamy was the prince and suddenly she had to think off her brother at home who was commanding an entire camp.

 

A sad smile appeared on her lips while Jasper and Miller cheered loudly.

 

“Do you know them?” The little girl from the beginning was bouncing up and down.

 

“Who?” Jasper asked, playing dumb.

 

“The prince and the princess!” The lanky one, Octavia had learnt his name was Sanson and that he was actually the son of Cad and Firo, looked at Jasper like he was silly.

 

“Ooooh,” Jasper hummed, seemingly deep in thought. “What do you think, Miller, do we?”

 

“I don’t know, you’ll have to ask Octavia?” Her friend shrugged.

 

“Do you?” Almost all the kids cheered and Octavia sighed.

 

“I do, I guess,” she answered and a loud noise echoed through the village from their excitement. “He’s my brother.”

 

Now the little kids all sat even closer to her, eager to hear everything she had to say about Bellamy. And just like he used to tell stories to her, she now told them to the children. Earth was a funny place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Trading Yesterday's "Just a little girl"
> 
> you can also find me on tumblr [x](http://xyetunwritten.tumblr.com/)
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated! Thanks for reading :)
> 
> Love, Bea


	3. but darling you came my way and you saved my soul

The next morning Clarke hurried down to the village while Shanna was still asleep. She had placed some breakfast next to her bed and a note, telling her that she went for another hunt.

 

Firo was surprised when she suddenly stood in their hut but only greeted her with a firm nod, before leaving to catch his wife.

 

Clarke was pacing this time. It made her even more restless to know that Arkers were within the walls and that only one of them had to accidentally walk in here and she would be found. She didn’t know if she was ready to face them, to look in their eyes and be reminded of everything she’d done to keep them alive.

 

She actually had grown to like the life she was leading now. She was helping people. Keeping some of them from dying and others from permanent injuries. It was good what she did here and Clarke didn’t want to miss it, didn’t want to trade for going back to leading and causing pain.

 

She spotted a drawing which was signed with a scrawled Shanna at one of the walls and a smile found its way on her lips.

 

The smile obviously startled Cad when she entered the hut because the leader stared at her for a few long moments before she spoke.

 

“How’s my daughter?” She asked and Clarke told her that the stitches were looking good and that maybe in two days, Shanna would be fit to walk back. Cad nodded along to her explanation.

 

A long silence followed in which Clarke tried to suppress her anxiety and Cad just looked at her knowingly.

 

“Who’s here?” Clarke finally broke because she needed to know.

 

Cad’s smile grew while she started to prepare tea for Clarke and her. “Octavia, Jasper and Nathan.”

 

Clarke swallowed. She remembered Octavia telling her that she wasn’t good enough. She remembered Jasper staring at her as if she was a monster, holding Maya in his arms. It was like everything had happened just yesterday.

 

Clarke was so immersed in her thoughts that she jumped when Cad gently touched her shoulder to hand her some tea.

 

“Drink,” Cad ordered and Clarke nodded, smelling the calming scent of lavender.

 

They drank in silence, the only noises coming from outside and the usual routine in the village. It was peaceful and Clarke started to relax a little bit.

 

“There’s something we need to discuss,” Cad said when they put down their cups. “The sky people have arrived with a treaty. We teach them to fish and how to make glass.”

 

“And what do you get in return?” Clarke asked. The camp must be expanding when they needed the lake to feed them all. Or maybe Indra just had enough of sharing.

 

“Nothing,” Cad shrugged, pointing to a tree trunk.

 

Clarke sat down hesitatingly, not sure where the conversation was going. Cad made herself comfortable on the one opposite of her and handed her a piece of paper.

 

With careful fingers she took it, turning it around, so she was able to read it. The words were written in a clear, narrow script and when she finally reached the end, her heart skipped a beat at the signature of Bellamy. So, he was still taking care of their people. Tears prickled in her eyes but Clarke fought them down.

 

She had been hoping that Bellamy was doing good. That he could work through the mess they had made. Obviously he did, much better than when she would’ve been there to weight him down.

 

“You don’t need a medic,” Clarke finally concluded when she had calmed herself a little bit.

 

Cad nodded. “Also, your people saved us from the Mountain Men.” Clarke wanted to interrupt but Cad kept going, “I know that you do not want to hear it but you did. Your people did. It wasn’t only you, Clarke.” It was rare that Cad actually used her name. “It was everybody who fought alongside you until the end. I believe it is only fair to give them something back and help them with this.”

 

Clarke sighed because Cad didn’t understand what she had done when she pulled that lever. Nobody knew about that part. People just believed that they heroically managed to free all their people and killed the Mountain Men in the process.

 

Nobody mentioned that they basically slaughtered them, that Clarke killed an entire civilization with one decision.

 

“The sky people are taking ten of my fishermen and five of my glassers with them,” Cad talked over Clarke’s inner musings. “They’re leaving tomorrow.”

 

“That’s good,” Clarke agreed, waiting for the second shoe to drop.

 

“I want you to go with them,” Cad kept going and Clarke felt like someone had opened the ground beneath her and she was falling. “I want you to be our middleman. To keep an eye on my people and help them communicate with the sky people.”

 

Clarke stared at Cad, her mind and heart racing. “I can’t do this,” she finally admitted.

 

Cad smiled sadly, “You are the only one who can. I know you speak our language and some of my men do not speak yours fluently. I am only sending out those who you have already met. They trust you to keep them safe. They do not trust the sky people and they will grow nervous as soon as they reach the other village. Most of them have never been more than two days away from here.”

 

Cad looked at Clarke expectantly but Clarke just stared at her fingers, too overwhelmed with the situation.

 

“I…,” she started quietly. “I don’t know… I do not take orders from you.”

 

Cad smiled. “It wasn’t an order, more a plea. If we’re going to do this, we need you.”

 

“I do not want to have people depending on me and my decisions ever again,” Clarke basically spat out and Cad frowned, raising her hands slightly.

 

“That wouldn’t be your call. You would only translate and stay with my men to give them a sense of safety in an unknown land.”

 

Clarke scowled. Cad’s arguments where too good and too strong to deflect and Clarke had gotten enough from the village to owe them.

 

She pulled her last card, “What about Shanna? She’s still not fit to walk.”

 

Cad smiled then, probably knowing that Clarke was about to crumble. “Firo can walk with you to pick her up and bring her home.”

 

Clarke sighed defeated. “Can I think about it?”

 

Cad nodded eagerly. “Yes, blow the horn by tomorrow morning if you decide to go and Firo will come to get you and Shanna here.”

 

Without another word Clarke grabbed her bag and disappeared from the hut.

 

She tried to keep her thoughts at bay during her walk back. It wouldn’t do her any good if she was distracted in the woods. She counted her steps carefully until she reached her bunker.

 

 

 

They ate the rabbit that evening and this time they were actually talking. Shanna was telling Clarke what had happened in the book and Clarke told her about the birds she had seen on her walk to the village and back. Talking to Shanna kept her occupied and didn’t leave time to think about Cad’s request.

 

Afterwards Shanna asked for another story. Clarke thought about a good one for a while.

 

Finally she started, “Once upon a time there was a young man named Heracles…”

 

Shanna listened to the story intently and Clarke tried to recall it from her memory. She tried to tell it exactly like Bellamy had done one night during dinner around the campfire.

 

When she finished, Shanna was looking at her with big eyes.

 

“Time to go to bed.” Clarke told her, pulling the thin blanket up to the little girl’s chin.

 

“I miss my friends.” Shanna whispered then. “Can I see them again?”

 

Clarke saw the tears threatening to spill over and quickly said, “Of course, you can! You’ll be up in no time and then you can go back.” She took the girl’s hand in hers, trying to soothe her.

 

Shanna nodded, calming down a little bit. “Will you come with me? You could stay with me and my parents and always tell us stories!” Her excitement grew but Clarke quickly shot her down.

 

She couldn’t live in a village that worshipped her. She liked working from the shadows and it was another reason why she thought about declining Cad’s plea.

 

“No, I won’t.” She said and Shanna frowned.

 

“But staying here, all by yourself, doesn’t it get lonely?” Shanna asked and Clarke stilled.

 

“I’m fine.” Clarke answered but Shanna wouldn’t let go.

 

“But all those pictures! Some of them have to be your friends, right?” She questioned, pointing at the drawings on the walls and Clarke froze. “Like, the one over there of the girl with the pony tail and the black hair. The one who’s smiling! She looks like a friend!” Shanna pointed to Raven.

 

_And I killed her only family_ , Clarke thought bitterly.

 

“Or that one, the one who looks like one of the Trigedakru!” This time Shanna pointed at Octavia.

 

_I disappointed her more than once_ , Clarke thought but didn’t say.

 

“Or him!” Her finger was outstretched to Bellamy’s portrait. “What about him?”

 

Clarke only shook her head, trying not to think how she let all of them down one way or another. “They were my friends, yes, a long time ago.”

 

Shanna frowned. “Why aren’t you anymore?”

 

Clarke grew frustrated. She didn’t want to talk about it. About any of it so why did the girl keep asking questions which only made everything worse?

 

“Was it because you killed the Mountain Men?” Shanna continued. “Because Nyko told us that they actually…”

 

“I don’t care what Nyko said!” Clarke silenced her sharply. “I killed three hundred of Anya’s warriors! I killed the boy who told me he loved me! I watched 250 grounders get killed, including some of your kru! I killed all those Mountain Men! There were kids in there, younger than you! There were people in there, who helped us! And I killed them! I killed them all!” Clarke was yelling now, tears were falling down her face and her voice broke. “I got my own father killed!” She basically screamed and Shanna ducked. “I killed so many people.”

 

Clarke let go then and just cried. Everything she had had bottled up for years, spilled out. She kept repeating the last sentence over and over again, until Shanna enveloped her in a warm hug. The little girl soothingly rubbed circles onto Clarke’s back, like her mother once did.

 

Clarke’s mind kept re-playing the deaths of all those people.

 

“I don’t deserve anything good.” Clarke whispered then after she had calmed down a little bit.

 

Shanna’s grip only tightened though. “Everybody deserves good.” The little girl said and Clarke hiccupped. “Why did you kill them?”

 

Clarke startled.

 

“Nomon always says, that we are not allowed to kill anything unless there’s a reason. She says we only kill fish because we need them to survive. Maybe you killed those people to survive?”

 

Clarke stared at Shanna then, tears falling freely down her face. She tried to answer the question for herself, justifying it in the eyes of a little girl.

 

The 300 grounders at the dropship. She killed them to save herself and her friends.

Finn. She killed him to save him from the torture of the grounders.

Ton DC. She let the Mountain Men bomb Ton DC to lull them in safety.

The Mountain Men. She tried to give them an out. She tried to be the good guys. It was the only thing that could be done to save her people.

 

 

Clarke stayed in Shanna’s small arms until she fell asleep. Only then did the little girl let her go. She carefully settled, so she could sleep as well and soon enough both girls were out with light shining above them

 

 

 

Clarke woke up with a deep pain in her neck and back. She groaned, slowly stretching and looked up at her patient who was mumbling in her sleep again. With her right hand she rubbed over her tired eyes, while the other tried to work the ache from her neck.

 

Trying to be as quiet as possible she walked over to her bed and turned the lights off. She sighed, thinking back to the outburst from earlier.

 

Clarke hadn’t expected Shanna to react like this to everything. The hug had been the first real human contact in years and just the ghost of her touch, made Clarke shiver. It had been a good feeling to lean onto another person again, even if it was a little girl. She heard the wind howl around the bunker and sighed.

 

She missed her mother. She missed her friends, all of them. She missed Bellamy. She finally dared to admit it to herself and it hurt less than she expected.

 

Turning her face towards Shanna, she watched the little girl sleep. Slowly her eyes wandered though, to all the drawings around the rooms. All the faces that had stared at her for over a year.

 

Clarke got up without switching on the lights and wandered through the room which was only lit by the moonlight streaming in through the window. She took all the drawings down, that showed the people who’d died because of her. Tears streamed down her face again, when she reached Wells. He was followed by Maya, Charlotte and Fox. She hesitated shortly in front of Anya and Finn but took them down nonetheless. With shaking hands she reached for her father. A silent sob escaped her when she had tugged him down as well.

 

She put them all into one of the drawers underneath her bed. Suddenly she could breathe easier and even Shanna was smiling in her dream. Clarke sighed, going back to bed.

 

Maybe she had finally started healing herself.

 

 

 

Morning came and the sunlight woke Clarke up.

 

She stayed still, staring at the ceiling above her, thinking about last night and what she should do now.

 

If she blew the horn Firo would come and pick up Shanna. They’d walk to the village together and Clarke would leave together with Octavia, Miller, Jasper and Cad’s men. They’d walk through the forest back to Camp Jaha and there Clarke would see all her friends again, her mother and Bellamy.

 

If she didn’t blow the horn Shanna would stay with her until she was able to walk on her own. Octavia and the others would leave for Camp Jaha and Clarke would stay hidden away in the bunker for the rest of her life probably.

 

It was a decision of courage. To not take the easy path of hiding.

 

She had built up a life for herself, one she was happy with but the memories of her past were still weighing her down. It would be easy to stay here, to bury the memories deep inside her.

 

It would take courage to actually face them again.

 

She looked at Shanna, the girl who saw so much in her that wasn’t actually there.

 

With an accelerating pulse Clarke got up and picked up the horn which was hidden underneath her bed. She got outside and blew it three times, startling the birds which were sitting in the trees around her.

 

They flew away and Clarke went back inside, waiting for Firo to come and pick them up.

 

When Shanna woke up a few minutes later Clarke was already packing. She mostly took medicine with her, knowing that Cad would make sure they’d have enough food and other needed supplies.

 

“What are you doing?” Shanna interrupted her packing.

 

“Your father is coming to pick you up,” Clarke explained while stowing away a potion which worked well against stings of bees or wasps.

 

“My father?!” Shanna exclaimed, sitting up in her bed with a beam. “How does he know where to find me? Why are _you_ packing?”

 

Clarke didn’t answer her questions immediately. Instead she looked around the bunker for other things to take with her. She contemplated taking some charcoal and paper when Shanna’s hand rested on her arm.

 

“Clarke?”

 

“I’m leaving. Your mother asked me to help her and that’s what I’m doing,” she explained.

 

Shanna’s eyes went wide and Clarke smiled at her before finally stopping her packing and preparing breakfast for them instead. If the younger girl realized that the paintings were gone, she didn’t remark on it.

 

They ate in silence and Clarke was just done with packing when the door to the bunker opened and Firo stepped into the room.

 

Shanna who was still sitting on her bed, squealed at the sight of her father. She tried to get up but both Clarke and Firo stopped her.

 

“Easy,” Firo soothed Shanna, hugging her tightly.

 

Her body was trembling and Clarke excused herself with a silent look at Firo. She took her pack and waited outside.

 

The forest around her was fully alive by now with the birds chirping and the last bees humming.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

Firo got out of the bunker with Shanna hanging on his back. Clarke looked at the pair for a moment before nodding. Together they started their way to the village while Shanna was happily chatting away at them about her injuries and the stories Clarke told and the book she had read.

 

Firo smiled throughout her story, every now and then sending a grateful smile Clarke’s way.

 

The closer they got to the village the more hesitating Clarke grew. Firo seemed to realize her discomfort because he put a hand on her shoulder, effectively keeping her from running away.

 

“I believe you made the right decision,” he told her as Shanna finally grew quiet on his back.

 

Clarke sighed, ducking her head. “I know, you believe that but…”

 

Firo rolled his eyes, a gesture that Shanna had gotten from him. “Stop with that, Clarke. Stop blaming yourself, stop putting yourself down.”

 

Clarke stared at him, almost falling over a root. Firo had never addressed her like this before. Normally he was very reserved and quiet, never calling her out on anything and for sure not calling her by her name.

 

“You have not done anything wrong. We all have done, do or will do things we’re not proud of to survive and to ensure that our families are in the clear.”

 

“Clarke deserves good, right, nomtu?” Shanna piped up from the behind.

 

“Most definitely,” Firo agreed and Clarke looked at them both, not sure what to say.

 

“I guess so,” she finally admitted and the beam Shanna send her, made her feel a little lighter.

 

It was then that they rounded a tree and the village came into view. Immediately the lightness disappeared, giving way to an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

 

“Can I walk on my own?” Shanna asked then.

 

Clarke was about to protest when Firo already lowered her to the ground, kissing her on the top of her head.

 

“Of course, you can. Like any warrior would, too.” The look on his face was filled with pride and love and Clarke had to look away for a moment.

 

As she felt little fingers holding onto her hand, she looked at the Shanna who was standing next to her.

 

“Thank you,” Shanna said sincerely and Clarke smiled at the little girl.

 

“Mochof,” Clarke answered back.

 

Together they entered the village with Shanna in their mid.

 

Cheers erupted as soon as they walked through the gates and Clarke couldn’t help but smile when she spotted a few familiar faces that she had treated in the last years.

 

Cad waited for them at the fire pit and Clarke could make out Octavia’s, Jasper’s and Nate’s figures next to her.

 

She stiffened slightly but Shanna tugged her along.

 

“Is that…?” She could hear Jasper asking and then Octavia turned around, staring at her and Clarke hadn’t realized that she had been dreading this moment so much until her breath started to quicken and her legs almost gave out.

 

“Clarke?” Octavia asked incredulously.

 

Clarke bent her head, staring at her feet, knowing full well that she was about to find out if they had forgiven her right now, right this moment.

 

The moment seemed to stretch endlessly and Clarke couldn’t raise her head, afraid of what she’d find.

 

Suddenly the yearning to go home was burning more brightly in her than it had for five years and Clarke didn’t know what she’d do if they wouldn’t take her back.

 

 

“Clarke?!” Somebody yelled then and within moments strong arms enveloped her.

 

She closed her eyes on instinct, falling into the embrace and it took her a second to realize it was actually Octavia.

 

“Octavia,” she whispered and her voice broke. She bit back the tears that threatened to spill but when the fierce girl that had yelled and cursed at her in the mountain only hugged her tighter, she couldn’t help it.

 

Tears fell off her cheeks and she buried her face in Octavia’s neck to hide them. Octavia held her until she calmed enough to look up again.

 

“I’m sorry, Clarke,” Octavia mumbled then. It was only meant for Clarke’s ears and it was quiet but she understood nonetheless. “I understand now.”

 

The hug between Clarke and Octavia quickly turned into a group hug and just like Octavia Jasper whispered into her ear that he got it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's title is from an amazing band called Mighty Oaks and it's their song "You saved my soul"
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr [x](http://xyetunwritten.tumblr.com/) :) I swear I do not bite ;)
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated! Thanks for reading :)
> 
> Love, Bea


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